"I Ain't Never Been Loved Before"

Seven pairs of eyes stared at me and my clinical partner as we stood up in front of the group discussing impulse control. After a few people had filled in the "Impulse, Trigger, Feeling or Human Need, and Healthy Alternative" chart we had on the board, a soft silence filled the room as everyone had time to think of more examples. My clinical instructor finally broke the silence.

"So, [name], why do you think you act on all of these impulses you have? Why do you do all of these '-ing' things? Why are you spend-ing, us-ing, drink-ing? What is the feeling or need in your life that drives all of these things?"

The man, a bigger African American man who looked more intimidating than he sounded, thought a minute before he started speaking. He rambled for a few seconds, thinking of excuses and feelings, until finally, mid-sentence, he paused and said,

"I do all of these things, because...I've never been loved before."

The silence once again permeated the little storage room with its table and whiteboard, and all ten of us in the room looked around at each other. I could feel my heart sink, a knot rise up in my throat, and suddenly I understood as a second man -- a tiny man whose first wish after he left the homeless shelter was to afford a set of teeth - echoed the first man's thoughts,

"I ain't never been loved before neither."

My heart broke for these guys I had already grown to love from the first week leading group. They have taught me so much about what it means to be human and to need, truly need, for someone to simply notice them.

Every one of these guys is part of the "Dual Diagnosis" program at a Lexington homeless shelter, meaning that all of them 1) are homeless, 2) abuse drugs or alcohol, and 3) struggle with at least one mental illness. From their rugged exterior, that's all they have in common. But inside, they have something deeper in common, something that we all share: they just need to be loved.

It's amazing to me, in a very disheartening way, that the world can pass these guys off as some stereotype of the indispensable -- "Well, they are just going to spend the money I give them on drugs, so it's better for me to just keep on walking and ignore that they even exist." The world sees them as everything undesirable, a burden to society and a reason for indifference.

But the truth is we all have our junk. We all have our mistakes and our bad habits, and we just need to praise God that our mistakes and our bad habits haven't landed us at a homeless shelter with absolutely nothing left -- no family, no friends, no house, no job, no hope. The one word that came up last week and is common to all of these men is "hopeless." Even the word "hope" seems laughable to many of them, and yet, it's the only hope they have left and they cling to it, cling to it. When asked how many had ever thought about killing themselves, five of the seven raised their hands. When asked how many had actually tried to kill themselves in the past, only one lowered their hand. When asked how many currently had thoughts of killing themselves, only one more dropped their hand. That left three men with their hands raised. That left three men who desperately need Jesus more than anything else in the entire world. All of them do, really, we all do; but for these three men, Jesus is vital.

I tell you this to remind you of something that God has been reminding me: we don't have time to be indifferent. People are living and people are dying without Jesus. If you think this life is about you-- about getting good grades or going to grad school or finding the best paying job or keeping up with the Jones' -- you are dangerously mistaken. If you think you'll just serve God later, when you can more fully focus on Him, let me just remind you that Satan isn't waiting around. He wants nothing better than for you to sit on the couch waiting for God "to make His will clear to you." People spend their lives on that couch, thinking that God has to reveal some epiphany to them before they can be effective for His Kingdom. They use this "waiting for God" as an excuse for inaction, when in reality, God is waiting for them!

In fact, God has already revealed His purpose for you, and for each and every one of us! Check out 2 Corinthians 5:18-19. "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself through Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." This is the ministry for all of us: to share with others that God wants to bring every single one of them close to Himself through Christ! He wants us to spread hope.

Within the Church, we have a "ministry" for everything -- the "children's ministry," the "adult ministry," the "homebound ministry," the "homeless ministry," the "disabilities ministry." I am not picking at these names, because the teams need names and those are as good names as any. I am, however, saying that all too often, we think we have to be a part of a labeled "ministry" or else we are ineffectively serving the Kingdom. But God says it's simpler than that! Every single moment of every single day is assigned to us for the ministry of reconciliation, of spreading God's love with every single person we meet. We can call it the "reconciliation ministry" if you would prefer, but whatever it's called, that is your purpose.

That was your purpose yesterday, that is your purpose today, and that will be your purpose for every new moment you receive from God. Please don't miss out on that.

My precious homeless guys depend on it.

Our Engagement Story!

My heart is so full of joy right now that it’s hard to even put everything I want to say into words! I feel like so much has changed since last night, but at the same time, I haven’t even begun to process the fact that I am engaged to my best friend! ENGAGED!  This is one moment I have been waiting for my entire life, but now that it’s here, it’s even more wonderful and more rich and more joyful than I could have ever imagined. Oh, and as I’m typing this, I’m also distracted every few seconds by the very sparkly thing on my left hand, so bear with us as we tell you our story.  :)

To make it easier for you to follow along, my side of the story is in this font, while Brian’s perspective has been italicized.

It started across the pond. Well, actually it started many months before, but just as small wisps of ideas, little more.  In a tiny, horrendously overpriced Gelato shop on a cobbled side-street in London (I just realized how fake that sounds, but it’s true), those inklings became concrete.  Zach Whelchel and I met to strategize the plan that was long overdue.  He would be studying at Oxford this semester, so he wouldn’t be able to help me execute the proposal, but he wanted to be a part of it. And so he helped shape the story.

Taking with me a detailed diagram of the proposal plan, as well as several packets of sugar from “Gelupo,” I returned to the States. I was to contact the realtor of the now-vacant Main and Maple Coffee Shop in Nicholasville where Callie and I had our first date.  After a frustrating number of failed attempts, the week was upon me. Deciding it was time for Plan B (which should have been Plan A in the first place), I changed locations to Solomon’s Porch, a small coffee shop in Wilmore that Callie and I frequent.  I picked up the spare key, and then things began to speed up.

I assembled “Alpha Team,” a group of hand-picked specialists including Sharayah Jung, Laura Smith, Erik Thein, John Michael Den Hartog, and Taylor Florian. The plan included Christmas lights, candles, a letter, special music, coffee, a large bowl, and a ring. Some of the members knew a basic overview of the plan, and others jumped in as they were all asked to meet at 2:30 on Friday, Callie’s 22nd birthday—D-Day. I picked up the ring, finally finished and paid for, and kept it at my house for the night for safe keeping.

September 21: Brian came over and woke me up on my birthday with a kiss on my forehead. Well, let’s be honest, I was only pretending to be asleep, which he quickly figured out by the fact that I giggled. I was way too excited to sleep! He had class, so he left about as quickly as he came, but I joined all the Asburians in the cafeteria for lunch. I didn’t really notice at the time, but lots of people shared with me later last night that they were afraid to talk to me all of lunch because almost everyone knew what was coming later that evening!

D-Day came, and the entire morning was a blur.  I had class until 2:00, and Erik and I went downtown to a small flower shop immediately after where I got Callie one of each of their rose varieties.  There was a formal at Asbury the same day, so Rosie (that’s actually her name) asked if the flowers were for Artist Series. I told her no, they were for something a little bigger, that I was getting engaged. At that, she lit up and went into bustling overdrive. She put together a small bouquet, then she took a breath and asked “Can I pray for you?” I love Wilmore. She prayed for Callie and I (even asking her name mid-prayer) and asked for our blessing, and that God would protect our evening, as well as our entire marriage. She held my hand as she prayed, and it was really a special moment. After saying amen, she sent me out to continue the set-up.

My afternoon was fairly typical. I cleaned my house, danced around my house, and took a shower. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The team carried out their responsibilities incredibly. When I say I couldn’t have done it without them, I really mean it. There’s no shot.  After harvesting the necessary pieces from my house and Dollar General, we began the setup of Solomon’s Porch. Moving tables and chairs, we formed an open side of the room to be used for a slow-dance, and a small area by the couch for other parts of the plan.  We stepped on lots of Christmas lightbulbs, I had to run home more than once to grab things I forgot, and we heaped stuff in the back kitchen, but in the end, it was beautiful.

I had been instructed by Brian not to leave my apartment after 2 p.m. until he picked me up for our special date around 5. He said he was planning a special surprise. Now, some may say I should have been suspicious at this plan, but you have to keep in mind, Brian often goes out of his way to coordinate really special surprises for me, and he knew I was very excited for my birthday this year. It’s not all that unusual for him to be so incredible. :)

Sharayah and Laura were both “ironically” free around 3:00 and asked to come see me for my birthday (no, I didn’t see this as surprising…both had REALLY good, REALLY different, and REALLY natural alibis for why they were coming over at the time that they did, and they walked over a few minutes apart from each other). I was super excited about them coming over, especially when I had been exiled to my apartment!  Both of them brought nail polish, and Laura did a really good job convincing me that I should paint my fingernails for my date, since she needed to paint hers anyway. Sharayah reported later that Laura had spent all day picking off her fingernail polish just to have an excuse for why we should paint our nails together (she had had the amazing foresight that my hands would be in many pictures over the next few days once I had my ring, so my fingernails had to look nice!). So two hours later, when Brian came to pick me up for my date, I had freshly painted red toenails and a beautiful french manicure by Laura herself. She even very patiently repainted my thumbs three times when I kept scuffing them on things. She said they had to be perfect, and I didn’t argue.  Or pick up on the fact that this was huge foreshadowing of the night to come.

Brian arrived right at 5, a bouquet of three different roses in hand. They were so beautiful and so thoughtful! I had not-so-subtly hinted that I wanted flowers for my birthday, so I assumed this was the extent of my presents, and I was quite content with that. Sharayah and Laura took a few pictures (squealing at just the right times), and then Brian and I were on our way to our pre-planned birthday date – dinner at Bella Notte and dessert at Orange Leaf.

After a brief photo-session with Sharayah and Laura, it was off to Bella Notte for dinner.  I was honestly not really concerned about the initial stages of the evening. I was having a difficult time concealing my excitement/nervousness for our return to Wilmore, and where we ate dinner wasn’t nearly as big a deal to me as to Callie, who thought this WAS her birthday present.  The food was amazing, as was Orange Leaf afterwards, and it was finally time to head back to Wilmore. As per pre-planned signaling, I texted Sharayah as we left so she knew how much time she and Laura had to put the finishing touches on the location.

Once we got back to Asbury, Brian told me he had planned for us to walk around Wilmore together.  We frequently go on walks – “walking and talking” we call it – but I began to think there was something different about this walk when Brian started glancing every few minutes at his watch.  We rounded the corner toward downtown, and he asked if I wanted coffee. This was an extremely weird question, because nothing is open in Wilmore at 8:00 p.m. except Dollar General, but I of course said yes. I love coffee, so whether or not I want it is never a question for me. We had barely gone a few more feet when Brian once more looked down at his watch and suddenly said, “Oh wait! I really want to get a picture of this!”

It was an awkward attempt at an excuse, but I had to make sure Laura and Sharayah were safely out of the way – and out of sight.

It was Subway. No one wants a picture of Subway. I knew something was up.

“Well, that didn’t turn out.  Oh well,” he said, as he deleted the picture and we continued walking down the street. Just a little ways down, he stopped in front of Solomon’s Porch, the tiny, wonderful, hometown coffee shop in Wilmore. Brian and I frequently spend our Saturday mornings drinking Honeybee Lattes in the brightly colored café, and it’s one of my all-time favorite places to go. Unfortunately, it closes at 2 p.m. every day except Tuesdays and Thursdays. And yesterday was Friday.

The shop normally closes at 2:00, but I knew the door to be unlocked, so I pushed in quickly to keep Callie from seeing the Christmas lights through the closed curtains.

“You said you wanted some coffee?” And at that, he pushed open the door to reveal the tiny shop I had grown to love outlined with white Christmas lights and adorned with ten or fifteen tea candles floating in Mason jars. In the center of the room was a table, on which sat our two coffee mugs that say “Good Morning Handsome” and “Good Morning Beautiful,” as well as a pot of warm coffee and these strange sugar packets.  (Turns out, these were the very same sugar packets he took from the gelato shop in London where he had planned out the proposal with our friend Zach!) He made me coffee with the strange sugar, and we sat down on the couch to talk.

The inside was more beautiful than I had imagined! I purposely didn’t script the evening from arrival on, so about the time we got to Orange Leaf, I started trying to order the events. I was finalizing those plans as we sat on the couch, so after some picture-taking by both of us of the decorations, I sat her down again and pulled out “I Love You.” It’s a piece I wrote nearly 3 years ago about the meaning of each of the three words, and what they mean together. I read it to Callie the night I first told her I loved her, and again the day I asked her to begin courting, so it was extra-special on this occasion.

While he was reading, there was a loud noise from the back that honest-to-goodness sounded like someone was coming in through the back door. Brian quickly covered with “Oh, that must be the ice machine.” I didn’t believe him.  (I found out later it really was the ice machine, but for now, just keep in mind that I thought people had not-so-sneakily snuck into the back kitchen.)

At one point as I was reading, a series of knockings came from the kitchen, and I had the sinking feeling that some of my friends had decided to hide out and watch. I assumed it was the ice-maker, so I excused it and read on. It took longer to read than I remembered, but after stumbling through it, I told Callie “If everything is according to plan, there should be something in the back.” I had actually forgotten to pass on specific instructions, but Sharayah and Laura once again saved my tail when they texted me at Orange Leaf and said they had a towel and a basin of warm water already set up.

He left and quickly came back with a green tub of water and a towel. Getting down on his knees, he took off my sandals and told me he wanted to wash my feet like Jesus did for his disciples. He said that he wanted this to be a sign to me that he would serve me the rest of his life, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life serving me and serving God together. That’s when the tears started flowing for me. It was seriously one of the most incredible moments of my life, and I was literally speechless. I couldn’t talk anymore.

She gave me a huge hug after her feet were dried, and I asked if she would dance with me.  I turned on my iPod dock, which had a playlist for just this event starting with “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson. If you haven’t heard it, get it. Don’t even bother sampling it first, just buy it. Callie and I “slow-danced” (which, to us, means swaying awkwardly) through the song, and as it ended and the song we have decided on for our wedding began playing, I asked Callie to turn around and close her eyes.

He asked if we could dance, so we tried, but I was already tearing up again and I couldn’t do much except hug him.  He told me he wanted to give me my last surprise for the night, so I had to close my eyes and turn around.  As I said before, I thought our friends had come in through the back door and were about to jump out and surprise me for my birthday, but when I turned back around and opened my eyes, Brian was there on one knee, holding the opened ring box towards me. I’m pretty sure he asked me if I would marry him, because I remember nodding and finally squeaking out a “yes, forever,” but I started crying so hard I don’t actually remember much from that moment.

I’m pretty sure I asked if she would marry me, and I’m pretty sure she said yes, but I can’t be completely positive.  For the first time in years, I felt completely alive, I was truly experiencing deeply, and I was trying to soak it all in.

He stood up and hugged me, and then he started sobbing himself.  Brian has been experiencing what he calls a “spiritual dryness” these past several months, and, as a result, I have only seen him truly cry one other time. It was an incredibly touching moment for me, so I simply held him to me for a minute or two, and we both just stood in the middle of the room by the cash register crying.

So there we were, holding each other and sobbing, surrounded by Christmas lights, and floating candles, and the smell of coffee, and the sound of piano. And we were engaged.

He then pulled back so he could put the ring on my finger, and it was the most gorgeous ring I’ve ever seen! It caught the soft light from all the candles, and it was hard to take in such a beautiful moment! I remember saying, “We’re getting married! I’m getting married to you!”

As the overwhelmed feeling subsided, the excitement rushed in, especially to Callie, who has always been the more expressive half.  She bounced around the room, trying to get the candle light to catch her new “sparkly thing” perfectly. I’ve never seen anyone so excited about anything in all of my days. 

We called my parents, and then we told his parents and all the friends that had helped set up the proposal (and who were waiting just on campus) to come celebrate in the coffee shop with us! Everyone was so excited, and it was just such a blessed time!

Everyone arrived, and it was a really special time of sharing and just trying to take it in together.  To me, this was one of the most significant moments of the evening, sharing this part of our lives with people we have grown so close to.  Their presence showed their support, and their excitement showed their love.

The Troyers welcomed me into the family, and all of our friends told me the part they had played in the whole plan. It was so much fun! Then Brian and I said our good-byes and went to call those who didn’t live close by and who hadn’t yet heard the good news!  The rest of the night went by in a blur. I went to Thacker B, where Janah, Jane, Cassie, Sharayah, and Laura talked and giggled with me until 3 in the morning. I ended up waking up at 8 this morning, unable to go back to sleep because I realized that last night hadn’t just been some wonderfully lovely dream!

And so the evening ended, as we took down lights, blew out candles, and put back tables and chairs. Honestly, it was perfect. I wouldn’t have changed anything. Getting to share the experience of the set-up with some of my closest friends, going on a very special birthday date, and following it up with a proposal experience that couldn’t have gone better, combined for what was definitely my favorite night of my life.  May there be many more to come. 

We seriously could not have had such a wonderful engagement without our friends and family who helped coordinate the whole perfect night! Therefore, our story would not be complete without a few thank-you’s:

Thank you to Zach Whelchel for helping Brian plan out THE PERFECT engagment.

Thank you to Laura and Sharayah for providing company during my exile, for insisting that I paint my nails, for helping to set up Solomon’s Porch, for preparing the coffee and candles right before we got there, for hiding out across the street, and for having a sleep-over with me when I couldn’t sleep last night!

Thank you to John Michael, Erik, and Taylor for hanging the lights and getting Solomon’s Porch looking perfect. Also thanks to Erik for documenting this special time and for John Michael’s contribution of REAL (non-Folger’s) coffee.

Thank you to the Troyers for all of the supplies Brian took from your house, and for being there with us as we celebrated afterward.

Thank you to Cassie, Janah, Jane, Andy C, Josh, Andy B, Coop, Nathan, and Will for showing up and celebrating with us at Solomon’s Porch (as we held up traffic in the middle of the street).

Thank you to Tim and Erin, who graciously and trustingly opened up Solomon’s Porch just for us.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have supported us and encouraged us over the past several hours!

And thank you to the amazing, incredible God who brought Brian and me together and who gave us a beautiful night last night (against the weatherman’s predictions) to celebrate the future He has for us!

I love you guys, we love you guys.

Rules to Love By

I returned to Synergy tonight after months of missing out because of night classes or summer break. I hadn't realized how much I missed it, but the community and the worship and the stirring in my heart was so incredible! God knew it was just what I needed, because I really needed to hear what was said tonight: our entire life, our entire faith, is about loving God as much as we possibly can, and then upholding His commandments will follow. I have been going through such a spiritually dry period over the past several months, and all of the rules and attitudes I have been trying so hard to uphold on my own have merely been adding to the drought. The message tonight was such a simple concept, nothing new to me, but God just lit up what it actually means.

After a year and a half of dating, I've learned a lot about what it means to love someone deeply -- mostly because I've learned that loving someone deeply means you find out you really aren't as selfless or optimistic or patient as you once thought you were. But perhaps the most revolutionary and humbling thing I've discovered about loving someone is that love doesn't always come intuitively. Brian knows me better than anyone else in this world, and I like to think I've started to know how he works as well. But sometimes, as deeply as we know each other, we still literally have to say, "I need you to love me by..." or "Loving me looks like this..." or, harder still, "It hurts me when..." Even though I've picked up on his quirks and uncovered some of his deepest longings and desires, I still don't know him well enough to always know what he needs. And the moment I think I do, I discover I've only really scratched the surface of the depth with which God wants me to love him.

Tonight I realized that the same is true of my relationship with God. I learned a long time ago that our Christian walk is about a relationship, not just following a list of rules, but for so long, I've tried to hold on to both. I have tried to build a living, breathing relationship AND live up to God's perfect standards on my own merit. It hasn't worked -- I've been burnt out, dried up, and feeling like a huge disappointment to Him. You see, arbitrarily "trying" not to gossip or "trying" to do my work without complaining or "trying" to be selfless aren't intuitive. They completely go against our human nature.

But it is because loving Him isn't intuitive, God says to me, "This is how I need you to love me." Isn't that really what the "rules" and "attitudes" we try to uphold are about in the first place? They are simply God explaining to us how best to love Him! He doesn't just say "don't gossip" or "don't complain" or "don't be short-tempered" just because He can (though that would be reason enough). He says, "Callie, you can love me by not talking about that person who wronged you. You can love me by not complaining when all the work seems to fall on you. You can love me by patiently letting me do things in my own time." God isn't asking us to change our own spirit; only He can do that. God is asking us to know Him -- and learn how to love Him, just as we take the time to learn how to love others.

(As a quick side note: After tonight, I realized I would once again like to get more involved with CSF. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or guidance for which small group or service team to join, or perhaps just how to help out with CSF, please pass it on to me!)

I'm Dating the One in the Onesie

After being mistaken for an Olympic athlete twice, Brian was part of the Opening Ceremony last night [much to my overwhelming delight]!  That's right, if you look [VERY] closely in the picture below, you'll see his handsome face in the very far left of the screen. Well, half of his face anyway. But considering I missed most of the theatrical portion of the ceremony because I was too distracted with looking for him, I'd say it's perfect.

Which makes him pretty much famous [at least to me :)]. I have seriously never been so excited or more proud of him! And considering he is one of the biggest blessings to me ever, that's saying something.

http://www.greenwichtime.com/news/article/With-royalty-and-rock-Britain-opens-its-Olympics-3740793.php#photo-3247887

Hence, the blog post about nothing more than how proud I am of my official trap-door-opener of the London Olympics. I love you, best friend.

A Bedtime Story

I wrote this a while back, but I found it extra comforting tonight after a long day of hard conversations, much-too-soon goodbyes, and difficult spiritual growth.  Each and every one of those things turned out for good today, but that's why I continue to love this image of Christ!  Especially when my human spiritual warrior is off doing important things in the far away land of London, Jesus fights for me. Always. 

This is A Bedtime Story.

From right here, from this very warm corner of my bed, I can see the bright, two-building skyline of downtown Lexington reflected in my closet mirror. For the moment, only the cold breeze blows through my open window, no shrill – not even a whisper – of the sirens and screeching brakes that seem to constantly remind me that just four stories below a big world hustles and hurries around me, relentlessly and essentially unaware of my one body, one mind, one soul. The quiet won’t dwell long, it never does, but what a blessing it is, a tiny oasis in the swelling tidal waves life often seems to personify.

I like these peaceful seconds. God likes these peaceful seconds too. I know He does, because He likes to come and sit with me in these peaceful seconds so we can share them. He doesn’t usually ask for much, not even for the extra blanket at the end of my very warm bed, and His presence is anything but assuming. He simply tells me stories. He tells me that one time He calmed real tidal waves in a real storm when no one thought He had it in Him. He tells me that He secretly whispered to the girl at Starbucks today to give me my tea for free just so He could see me smile. Actually, He corrects Himself and says that He really paid for my tea today Himself, because He likes to flirt too. After all, He desires to be pursued and noticed just like I do. He tells me of big battles He fought for Joshua and Gideon, and explains that He has used the same defensive strategies in the battles He has fought for me. He tells me that he wants to always fight for me. He tells me He always wants to be my Hero.

Usually when He gets to the part about Him rescuing His lovely maiden, I, His lovely maiden, drift finally and gently off to sleep. Because I know this is no ordinary bedtime story. The sirens may resume and the quiet may once again fade away, but my Love will forever protect me. My Hero will fight for me. Always. And tomorrow, with a smile on His face and sweat from the battle on His brow, He will come and sit with me and tell me another bedtime story, a bedtime story even better than the one before.

A Spirit and a Soul

This is merely a musing that came to mind after studying Hebrews 4:12 tonight. It hasn't been well developed or well prayed over, but it has encouraged me nevertheless!

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing SOUL and SPIRIT..." - Hebrews 4:12

Apparently this was a verse I had memorized and recited a hundred times without really understanding. I got that the Bible was important, as well as applicable to any life situation, regardless of whether the struggle or experience even existed at the time our Bible was written. But I never even noticed that "soul" and "spirit" were obviously two very different things. Though they are often used interchangeably, they can't be interchangeable if the word of God serves to differentiate the two!

So I did a little research and a little praying.

From what I understand, the "soul" makes up the immaterial part of man that consists of the will, the intellect or mind, the emotions, and the desires. The soul is what makes a man not just a human, but a specific man. It is the part of you that makes you YOU, as opposed to your next door neighbor, your friend, or any of the other 7 billion people on the planet.

The spirit, by contrast, is the part of you that provides the clearest image of who God is. It is how we commune and communicate with God. It is the "image of God" given only to man and not to any other living thing on Earth.

I know, I know, I haven't quite achieved that whole "encouraging" part I mentioned earlier. So skip ahead to chapter 6: "And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised...We have this hope [of the certainty of God's promises] as an anchor for the SOUL, firm and secure."

When we accept Christ as our Savior, our spirits are immediately transformed, we become a new creation. We are immediately made right with God, because this image of Himself that He has given us is renewed by Christ's blood. Our souls, however, remain marked by our pasts, our struggles, our humanity. Our souls serve as the communication between our spiritual selves and our physical selves, and they remain part of a broken world.

Therefore, God gives us the certainty of His promises, the certainty of our salvation, as an anchor for our SOULS! When my soul wants to give up -- when my emotions fade away or my mind wanders or my desires betray the fallen human that I am -- God's faithfulness anchors my soul to Him. His Word reminds me that all of His promises will be fulfilled in His time, reminds me that my SPIRIT still allows me to approach His throne boldly even though my SOUL may fail! It is His unfailing and unchanging nature that reminds me that I AM a new creation, I AM right with Him, even when my soul feels like nothing more than a failure.

And as we hold tightly to our hope in God's faithfulness, we must simply make like Abraham and wait patiently for the fulfillment of His promises.

So as I (rather impatiently) look forward to the good and exciting things God has set forth for me in the coming year, I must simply hold tightly to the promise that God never changes. He is always changing me through His Word -- always changing His new creation to look more and more like Him -- but His own goodness and grace never change.

His love never fails.

When You Flush Your Hearing Aid

Today my patient flushed his hearing aid down the toilet.

I bet you thought this was going to be another deep or insightful blog post. It's not.

Sometimes, when all else fails, you just have to laugh. Laugh until tears run down your face and you continue to randomly burst into laughter periodically throughout the day. Because you know what? At least you didn't flush your hearing aid down the toilet.

Oh, and my poor patient? Don't worry (he sure isn't). As he told us, he has another hearing aid at home; he's always just worn one at a time because it's too expensive to wear both.

See? Always a bright side to everything.

In the Waiting

“If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting..." - C.S. Lewis

Waiting is such a funny thing. The whole idea of waiting implies that we are anticipating something to come, anticipating a specific event or feeling or situation that we foresee as being better than our current event or feeling or situation. Yet it seems the more we wait, the further we get from what it is we are waiting for. We get so wrapped up in what's to come that we never get to what we were trying to get to at all. We simply dwell so much in the ever-elusive future that we somehow miss the present. 

I seem to be one of these perpetual waiters, always reaching for the next thing that's just barely out of my reach. I see my present circumstances as just a distraction, a waste of time, from the "better" circumstances ahead. I wait to check out my groceries, I wait in traffic, I wait for the doctors to write me orders, I wait to graduate, I wait to be married to my best friend... The list could go on for hours, but then, my friend, I would keep you waiting on the entire point of my ramblings. And that would be a dreadful waste of time. 

A few years ago, I was part of a Broadway-sized production that portrayed the life and ministry of Jesus. The production itself required two hundred cast members, a huge choir, a panel of directors, and two camels. One of the biggest things I learned was that, for the entire production to run smoothly, each person had to be in exactly their right place at exactly their right time, as determined by the director. Each person's time and place was just a little bit different, but that was their cue. And when everyone was right "on cue", the complete scene was more beautiful than anyone could have created on their own.

That is precisely what God has been showing me. My own ideas of time and place for my life seem pretty good to me, but they aren't part of the beautiful picture of salvation God is painting all around me.  It might take me years to learn, but God is teaching me what it means to live each moment for His glory, in exactly the time and place He makes for me.

Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Waiting for God takes courage. He isn't one to operate on our schedules and inside our own dreams, and perhaps at the end of our lives we will find we were only waiting for the next life all along. But what would happen if, as Christians, we quit trying to dwell in the places only God can go and fully embraced this moment, this second, as if we had only this moment? God may be in our past, present, and future, but we only have right now.

So this is a record of my struggles to anticipate only heaven and to love and to live in the meantime. It is a testament to the unfailing grace of a God who invites me to a bigger story, His story, a story that requires me to submit to His time and place for my life.

And somewhere between my waiting for something better and desiring something bigger, I would say God is meeting me right On Queue.