The First Ten Days of Marriage

“How is married life?” I’ve had countless people ask me this same question over the past ten days, and as much as I love answering it, I feel like my answer is always somewhat inadequate. Our daily activities are simple enough – thank you card writing, learning to cook, going to work – but I am often at a loss as to how to sum up everything I am experiencing and feeling and learning. I have learned more in ten days of marriage than I learned in the first two and half years of dating and being engaged to Brian.  What I am about to say is by no means a complete list, or even a tiny glimpse at the intensity of the contentment, joy, and encouragement I have held in my heart since May 18. But alas, here is my first shot at describing this crazy and incredible thing called marriage.

Ten Things I Learned in the First Ten Days of Marriage

(One from each day, starting with our wedding day.)

1. I have learned that you will remember approximately four vivid memories from your wedding day because the entire day is such a blur of the greatest joy, encouragement, and blessing you have ever known.  (Thank goodness for videography.) Also, if you go to O’Charley’s in a wedding dress, they will give you free pie.
2. I have learned that waking up next to your best friend is the greatest feeling in the whole world. Even when you wake up with a cold on your honeymoon.
3. I have learned that sex is a learned skill that you don’t have to (and won’t) master in the first week. Also, it’s okay to have more sleep than sex on the honeymoon.
4. I have learned that the late night laughs, unexpected tears, and asking for forgiveness can bring a closeness even romance can’t bring.
5. I have learned that you will feel a touch of sadness on the way home from the honeymoon – your wedding day is gone forever and the guests are likely already back to their normal lives. It’s okay. Cry, smile through the tears, and then realize that so far your marriage has been more beautiful even than your wedding day.
6. I have learned that Hamburger Helper absolutely counts as cooking.
7. I have learned to let go of the things I can’t change – our living room might look like Hoarders with all of the wedding gifts, but I can survive the next three weeks.
8. I have learned that God is gracious and faithful even when I mess up, and I have to show (and be shown) that same love.
9. I have learned that the world’s expectations for me aren’t real – and that’s okay. For the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and see what Brian and Jesus see when they look at me.
10. I have learned that living life with my best friend is more full and joyful than I ever imagined. Marriage might be a lot of work at times, but I firmly believe it’s the best glimpse of heaven we have on this earth.

For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand what Christ meant when He said, “Whoever loses his life will find it.” I stood before Brian eleven days ago now and promised him before God that I would lay down my life for him because of what Christ did for me, and it was in that moment that I began to see who I am and what my life is in Christ. That, dear friend, is more incredible than our wildest imaginations, and makes me so excited to see what God has in store for Brian and me.

The Lies of Vera Wang

Last weekend, Brian and I decided to head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to start our wedding registry. We were led upstairs to an office, where we were handed a binder filled with pictures of the various assortment of dinnerware the store offered. There were no prices, just pictures and their descriptions, and we were told we needed eight place settings of whatever set we chose.

I flipped through the pages for a moment and settled on a set I liked. I turned the book around to show the nice lady and to ask the price, and the nice lady said, “Oh, those are $88.”

“$88 for a set of 8? That’s not bad!” I replied.

“Oh no.” I think the lady was trying not to laugh. “$88 per place setting. Those are Vera Wang.”

The look on my face must have been incredulous, because the lady quickly added, “I know that sounds like a lot of money, but you’re getting married! You deserve it! It’s the one time to get anything you want for free.”

And so began our registry. We spent the next two hours being followed around, pressed to scan (literally) the most expensive item in each category, and pressured to meet a “scan quota” at every stop.  When we politely tried to argue that we already had a perfectly good food processor, six cookie sheets, and a quality used set of mixing bowls, our objections were met with a smile and, “But this is your chance to get the best cookie sheets. You’re getting married – you deserve this!” The best suitcase? You deserve it! The best toaster oven? You deserve it! The best pots and pans? You deserve it!

We left the store, me nearly fuming and Brian feeling nauseous. As we looked over the $3,000 worth of items we had scanned, we failed to find more than one or two that were even reasonably priced – and we needed about half of what was on the list. I just shook my head as I reported to Brian that our dishes and the $9 cloth napkins the lady had added of her own accord would alone cost over $600. Six hundred dollars.

We cancelled the registry.

Two days later, God called us to sponsor two precious little boys. Meet Abishek and Akshay.

And suddenly, it all made sense. The reason why the registry made us sick and angry was because it was a waste.  It was extravagant. Most of the items were unnecessary. And we realized with a heavy heart that it was all a lie.

We don’t deserve anything.

God gives us joy and material possessions, not because we deserve it, but because He is good. God is incredible. And you know what? He does deserve something. God deserves our praise and our giving, which He asks us to share with others.

Abishek and Akshay deserve our giving, deserve our sacrifice, because God has asked us to share with them.  Brian and I want to give as much as we can because we want these little boys to know Jesus. We want them to know that God gives us grace only because He loves us, not because we deserve it.

Don’t you worry, we will still have a registry – just at Target rather than a specialty store. We will still have some things that we want more than we need. And I will still add my KitchenAid mixer because one day I will be out of nursing school and will actually have time to bake.

But most of the items on our registry won’t be the most expensive or the absolute best you can buy. We came to this decision not because of frugality, but because Brian and I don’t want to build our marriage on “stuff” (Did you know that money and stuff is the number one reason why couples get a divorce? Irony.). God tells us that marriage is about serving Him better together than we could alone, that marriage is a chance to see the most complete image of Him we can experience here on this earth. He says, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” - Malachi 3:10

Brian and I want to build our marriage on God’s image of marriage, not man’s image of getting all the free stuff that you want. We want to honor God together. And we are starting by sharing Jesus’ love with two precious little boys.

And one day, if we get one, maybe God will even let me feed the homeless with my KitchenAid mixer.