I returned to Synergy tonight after months of missing out because of night classes or summer break. I hadn't realized how much I missed it, but the community and the worship and the stirring in my heart was so incredible! God knew it was just what I needed, because I really needed to hear what was said tonight: our entire life, our entire faith, is about loving God as much as we possibly can, and then upholding His commandments will follow. I have been going through such a spiritually dry period over the past several months, and all of the rules and attitudes I have been trying so hard to uphold on my own have merely been adding to the drought. The message tonight was such a simple concept, nothing new to me, but God just lit up what it actually means.
After a year and a half of dating, I've learned a lot about what it means to love someone deeply -- mostly because I've learned that loving someone deeply means you find out you really aren't as selfless or optimistic or patient as you once thought you were. But perhaps the most revolutionary and humbling thing I've discovered about loving someone is that love doesn't always come intuitively. Brian knows me better than anyone else in this world, and I like to think I've started to know how he works as well. But sometimes, as deeply as we know each other, we still literally have to say, "I need you to love me by..." or "Loving me looks like this..." or, harder still, "It hurts me when..." Even though I've picked up on his quirks and uncovered some of his deepest longings and desires, I still don't know him well enough to always know what he needs. And the moment I think I do, I discover I've only really scratched the surface of the depth with which God wants me to love him.
Tonight I realized that the same is true of my relationship with God. I learned a long time ago that our Christian walk is about a relationship, not just following a list of rules, but for so long, I've tried to hold on to both. I have tried to build a living, breathing relationship AND live up to God's perfect standards on my own merit. It hasn't worked -- I've been burnt out, dried up, and feeling like a huge disappointment to Him. You see, arbitrarily "trying" not to gossip or "trying" to do my work without complaining or "trying" to be selfless aren't intuitive. They completely go against our human nature.
But it is because loving Him isn't intuitive, God says to me, "This is how I need you to love me." Isn't that really what the "rules" and "attitudes" we try to uphold are about in the first place? They are simply God explaining to us how best to love Him! He doesn't just say "don't gossip" or "don't complain" or "don't be short-tempered" just because He can (though that would be reason enough). He says, "Callie, you can love me by not talking about that person who wronged you. You can love me by not complaining when all the work seems to fall on you. You can love me by patiently letting me do things in my own time." God isn't asking us to change our own spirit; only He can do that. God is asking us to know Him -- and learn how to love Him, just as we take the time to learn how to love others.
(As a quick side note: After tonight, I realized I would once again like to get more involved with CSF. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or guidance for which small group or service team to join, or perhaps just how to help out with CSF, please pass it on to me!)
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