Why Adoption?

It’s a question Brian and I have heard over and over again, phrased in as many different ways as people can think to ask us, but up until now the two of us have never really given a complete answer to anyone. It’s not that we didn’t want to; it’s because we have never, with just the two of us, sat down to discuss fully all of the reasons why we love adoption. However, with our Etsy store opening later this week to raise money for our future kiddo, Brian and I knew it was time to sit down and reveal our heart for adoption to the world (or to the 17 people who read our average blog post). As you hear our story, we have tried to highlight a few of the biggest questions people have asked us over the past few months. Please keep asking us questions. Questions help us grow, help us to define what we believe and why we believe it. We love questions. And we love you. Here we go.

“So why adoption?”

First and foremost, adoption is close to our hearts because it’s close to God’s heart. James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” And Psalm 68:6 says, “God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.” God doesn’t call all of us to adopt, but He does call us all to do something. Looking after orphans and widows isn’t an option; it’s a command to action. Maybe for you it means sponsoring another family’s adoption. Maybe it means inviting foster kids into your home. Maybe it means mentoring a kid in an after-school program who doesn’t have both a mother and a father. Or maybe it means simply and consistently tithing to a church who actively supports the cause of orphans.

For Brian and I, however, James 1:27 means literally opening up our home and our hearts to a little kiddo who needs a forever family. It means calling a child who was neither born of us nor looks like us completely our own. It means adopting a precious child because God first adopted us into His family. It’s not everyone’s calling, but it’s our calling.

Adoption isn’t something Brian and I have decided to pursue on a whim. For me, I have always — literally back to my earliest memory of my future family — wanted to adopt internationally. It was never a question in my mind, never something to debate. I think God knows I have a pretty hard time making decisions, so it was like He made this one for me. Brian, on the other hand, had never consciously made the decision to adopt before God brought us together, but there has not been one time in our entire relationship where he has hesitated or questioned the desire that has grown in his heart for adoption. In fact, I told Brian in the earliest weeks of our relationship that adoption was one of my deepest desires and we could not get married if he was not open to God leading us in that direction. When he was completely and irrevocably open to the idea of adoption, I knew God was only confirming the desire He had placed on my heart years and years before.

This next paragraph (or two) is going to be difficult for me to write knowing it will be made public to our friends and family — and probably even more difficult for you, as our friends and family, to swallow. In some ways it’s painful and in some ways it’s beautiful. In either case, Brian and I know deep down in our hearts that God will make a way for whatever He wants for the two of us and our family, even though we don’t understand fully what that means yet.

Let’s just say that my body has never functioned particularly well in its specifically-female role. During my first week of college, after over a year without a period, the practitioner at the student clinic decided to put me on birth control to “fix the problem,” stating that a year was just too long and I needed to have a period again quickly to prevent infertility and osteoporosis. So that’s what I did. Fast forward a few years to my first visit with a “real” OB-GYN not too long before Brian and I were married. True to the student health practitioner’s plans, my body had functioned “normally” with medication, but when my new OB-GYN took me off of the medication temporarily, my body just stopped doing what it was supposed to do. The doctor said that if I wanted to start birth control again before the honeymoon (we did), we unfortunately did not have time to run proper tests to find the root of the issue before the wedding. However, he said gently, should we ever want to try to have children in the future, I should expect to have difficulty conceiving or carrying a baby. He told me I didn’t have any of the symptoms that would indicate one of the more common infertility-causing disorders, but only extensive tests later would reveal whether or not we would ever be able to have children. He asked to pray over Brian and me, our honeymoon, and whatever the future for our family would be, and I let him. It was a beautiful prayer.

I almost wish I could say I grieved the doctor’s news, but honestly I always kind of knew my body would never carry a baby. Or at least I thought I knew (think I know?). But one thing I actually did know was that I had to tell Brian — before the wedding. For all of you skeptics out there, this is going to sound absurd, unbelievable even. And as I sat Brian down and began talking to him about what I had learned at the doctor’s office, I would have agreed with you. Nervously, knowing I would sound crazy, I began to tell Brian not just what the doctor had told me about the likelihood of me having trouble conceiving, but also that I have always — and I mean always — had this feeling that I wouldn’t be able to have children. Not now, not ever. Instead of being shocked or disappointed as I expected, however, Brian just looked at me with this funny look on his face and said, “Well that’s weird.” I guess my face showed that I thought he was talking about me, because he quickly laughed and said, “No, no, it’s just that part of me has always had this feeling that we would never have our own kids. Like we couldn’t have our own kids even if we tried.”  After two years of dating, there were very few things Brian and I hadn’t told each other. This was one of those very few things and was clearly part of God’s perfect timing. I had given Brian an out should he decide having his own children was a crucial part of marriage for him, but true to my loving husband’s heart, he assured me he would love me and marry me no matter what our future family looked like. (I told him I hoped the front of our Christmas card one day was him and me and our 2.5 Asian kids. He told me not to get too set on anything because God might have different plans. We both agreed to wait and see. But for the record, that’s still how I envision our Christmas card. Except one day we will actually have to decide between 2 kids and 3 kids. No halves in this family.)

Maybe those feelings in both of us, those gut instincts, are just feelings Brian and I have led ourselves to believe. Maybe they mean nothing at all, and maybe the doctor is wrong and we will conceive the first time we try. But what if God has simply been preparing us to adopt all along? What if He is saving us from the grief and the agony and the shattered hope so many of our friends and family have had to endure during their own unexpected struggles with infertility?

Or what if those feelings are wrong and we could conceive if we wanted but we don’t have any desire to have our own children? Is that wrong? Honestly, I can’t answer that question yet. The question of choosing to adopt is one I haven’t found an answer for. My heart wants to believe that if God wants us to adopt and we could put our energy and our money towards caring for children who are already lonely in this world, there can be no wrong in that. But I once had someone tell me (unsolicited) that it would be sinful for me not to use my fertility if I had it, and that guy’s words echo in my mind sometimes. I wonder if our testimony would somehow be tainted if we chose to adopt instead of adopting out of an experience of infertility.

“Will you at least try to have your own kids?”

I don’t know. We don’t know. I don’t want anyone to think it’s out of the realm of discussion or even of possibility. God works miracles — whether that’s in my body, for obvious reasons, or in my heart to make me want to carry a child around in my abdomen for 9 months. :) I have definitely caught “baby fever” lately, which makes me want to hold every child in a two-mile area at any given time. But I also definitely don’t want children of any sort right now, Asian, biological, whatever. I already killed the plant Nana gave us for Easter less than a week ago, so nurturing helpless creatures isn’t exactly my strong point at the moment.

“Why Asia?”

That’s another hard question. The simple answer is because that’s what we’ve always envisioned; those are the kids we’ve always gravitated towards. The complex answer is because that’s the culture that would best fit into the unique features and strengths of our extended family. So for now, we are consistently praying over China, South Korea, and Taiwan. Most of the decision will depend on how adoption falls into our plans for grad school and the bigger picture of life. In any case, we have to be 27 to 30 years old to adopt, depending on the country, so don’t wait on the edge of your seats to see what will happen next (though I already am…).

Which is why, for now, we have decided to sponsor Gideon, paying for his foster care in China for the next year or so until he finds his forever family. Goodness, we absolutely adore this kid. As part of the sponsorship, we will get monthly updates and pictures of little Gid’s progress. And I’m sure, as those updates and pictures come in, our love will only grow for the handsome little man who has stolen our hearts.

As this post grows longer and longer, let’s conclude here by going back to the original question: 

“So why adopt?”

Because my heart bleeds for little Gideon. Because I can’t make it through one day without having to stop and pray in the middle of my errands because my soul is so heavy with longing I feel like I can’t breathe. Because I have asked Brian every night for the past week if he thinks I will ever be able to love a baby as much as I love Gid. Because I have to follow up my question to Brian with another question, asking him if I’m crazy because I would do anything for a little guy I’ve never met and who only takes up six pictures in my entire iPhoto library. Because if I shut my eyes really tightly and focus hard enough I can almost imagine what it’s like to hold him, to touch him, to feel his tiny heart beat, to tell him how much I treasure him, to tell him that he’s mine. Because in moments I have all to myself, I dream about the day I get to carry our own little “Gideon” across the security line of the Louisville International Airport to be greeted by our friends and family who will love that little girl or little boy more than that kiddo ever thought they could be loved.

And that, my friends, is why we choose adoption.

The First Ten Days of Marriage

“How is married life?” I’ve had countless people ask me this same question over the past ten days, and as much as I love answering it, I feel like my answer is always somewhat inadequate. Our daily activities are simple enough – thank you card writing, learning to cook, going to work – but I am often at a loss as to how to sum up everything I am experiencing and feeling and learning. I have learned more in ten days of marriage than I learned in the first two and half years of dating and being engaged to Brian.  What I am about to say is by no means a complete list, or even a tiny glimpse at the intensity of the contentment, joy, and encouragement I have held in my heart since May 18. But alas, here is my first shot at describing this crazy and incredible thing called marriage.

Ten Things I Learned in the First Ten Days of Marriage

(One from each day, starting with our wedding day.)

1. I have learned that you will remember approximately four vivid memories from your wedding day because the entire day is such a blur of the greatest joy, encouragement, and blessing you have ever known.  (Thank goodness for videography.) Also, if you go to O’Charley’s in a wedding dress, they will give you free pie.
2. I have learned that waking up next to your best friend is the greatest feeling in the whole world. Even when you wake up with a cold on your honeymoon.
3. I have learned that sex is a learned skill that you don’t have to (and won’t) master in the first week. Also, it’s okay to have more sleep than sex on the honeymoon.
4. I have learned that the late night laughs, unexpected tears, and asking for forgiveness can bring a closeness even romance can’t bring.
5. I have learned that you will feel a touch of sadness on the way home from the honeymoon – your wedding day is gone forever and the guests are likely already back to their normal lives. It’s okay. Cry, smile through the tears, and then realize that so far your marriage has been more beautiful even than your wedding day.
6. I have learned that Hamburger Helper absolutely counts as cooking.
7. I have learned to let go of the things I can’t change – our living room might look like Hoarders with all of the wedding gifts, but I can survive the next three weeks.
8. I have learned that God is gracious and faithful even when I mess up, and I have to show (and be shown) that same love.
9. I have learned that the world’s expectations for me aren’t real – and that’s okay. For the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and see what Brian and Jesus see when they look at me.
10. I have learned that living life with my best friend is more full and joyful than I ever imagined. Marriage might be a lot of work at times, but I firmly believe it’s the best glimpse of heaven we have on this earth.

For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand what Christ meant when He said, “Whoever loses his life will find it.” I stood before Brian eleven days ago now and promised him before God that I would lay down my life for him because of what Christ did for me, and it was in that moment that I began to see who I am and what my life is in Christ. That, dear friend, is more incredible than our wildest imaginations, and makes me so excited to see what God has in store for Brian and me.

The Lies of Vera Wang

Last weekend, Brian and I decided to head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to start our wedding registry. We were led upstairs to an office, where we were handed a binder filled with pictures of the various assortment of dinnerware the store offered. There were no prices, just pictures and their descriptions, and we were told we needed eight place settings of whatever set we chose.

I flipped through the pages for a moment and settled on a set I liked. I turned the book around to show the nice lady and to ask the price, and the nice lady said, “Oh, those are $88.”

“$88 for a set of 8? That’s not bad!” I replied.

“Oh no.” I think the lady was trying not to laugh. “$88 per place setting. Those are Vera Wang.”

The look on my face must have been incredulous, because the lady quickly added, “I know that sounds like a lot of money, but you’re getting married! You deserve it! It’s the one time to get anything you want for free.”

And so began our registry. We spent the next two hours being followed around, pressed to scan (literally) the most expensive item in each category, and pressured to meet a “scan quota” at every stop.  When we politely tried to argue that we already had a perfectly good food processor, six cookie sheets, and a quality used set of mixing bowls, our objections were met with a smile and, “But this is your chance to get the best cookie sheets. You’re getting married – you deserve this!” The best suitcase? You deserve it! The best toaster oven? You deserve it! The best pots and pans? You deserve it!

We left the store, me nearly fuming and Brian feeling nauseous. As we looked over the $3,000 worth of items we had scanned, we failed to find more than one or two that were even reasonably priced – and we needed about half of what was on the list. I just shook my head as I reported to Brian that our dishes and the $9 cloth napkins the lady had added of her own accord would alone cost over $600. Six hundred dollars.

We cancelled the registry.

Two days later, God called us to sponsor two precious little boys. Meet Abishek and Akshay.

And suddenly, it all made sense. The reason why the registry made us sick and angry was because it was a waste.  It was extravagant. Most of the items were unnecessary. And we realized with a heavy heart that it was all a lie.

We don’t deserve anything.

God gives us joy and material possessions, not because we deserve it, but because He is good. God is incredible. And you know what? He does deserve something. God deserves our praise and our giving, which He asks us to share with others.

Abishek and Akshay deserve our giving, deserve our sacrifice, because God has asked us to share with them.  Brian and I want to give as much as we can because we want these little boys to know Jesus. We want them to know that God gives us grace only because He loves us, not because we deserve it.

Don’t you worry, we will still have a registry – just at Target rather than a specialty store. We will still have some things that we want more than we need. And I will still add my KitchenAid mixer because one day I will be out of nursing school and will actually have time to bake.

But most of the items on our registry won’t be the most expensive or the absolute best you can buy. We came to this decision not because of frugality, but because Brian and I don’t want to build our marriage on “stuff” (Did you know that money and stuff is the number one reason why couples get a divorce? Irony.). God tells us that marriage is about serving Him better together than we could alone, that marriage is a chance to see the most complete image of Him we can experience here on this earth. He says, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” - Malachi 3:10

Brian and I want to build our marriage on God’s image of marriage, not man’s image of getting all the free stuff that you want. We want to honor God together. And we are starting by sharing Jesus’ love with two precious little boys.

And one day, if we get one, maybe God will even let me feed the homeless with my KitchenAid mixer. 

"I Ain't Never Been Loved Before"

Seven pairs of eyes stared at me and my clinical partner as we stood up in front of the group discussing impulse control. After a few people had filled in the "Impulse, Trigger, Feeling or Human Need, and Healthy Alternative" chart we had on the board, a soft silence filled the room as everyone had time to think of more examples. My clinical instructor finally broke the silence.

"So, [name], why do you think you act on all of these impulses you have? Why do you do all of these '-ing' things? Why are you spend-ing, us-ing, drink-ing? What is the feeling or need in your life that drives all of these things?"

The man, a bigger African American man who looked more intimidating than he sounded, thought a minute before he started speaking. He rambled for a few seconds, thinking of excuses and feelings, until finally, mid-sentence, he paused and said,

"I do all of these things, because...I've never been loved before."

The silence once again permeated the little storage room with its table and whiteboard, and all ten of us in the room looked around at each other. I could feel my heart sink, a knot rise up in my throat, and suddenly I understood as a second man -- a tiny man whose first wish after he left the homeless shelter was to afford a set of teeth - echoed the first man's thoughts,

"I ain't never been loved before neither."

My heart broke for these guys I had already grown to love from the first week leading group. They have taught me so much about what it means to be human and to need, truly need, for someone to simply notice them.

Every one of these guys is part of the "Dual Diagnosis" program at a Lexington homeless shelter, meaning that all of them 1) are homeless, 2) abuse drugs or alcohol, and 3) struggle with at least one mental illness. From their rugged exterior, that's all they have in common. But inside, they have something deeper in common, something that we all share: they just need to be loved.

It's amazing to me, in a very disheartening way, that the world can pass these guys off as some stereotype of the indispensable -- "Well, they are just going to spend the money I give them on drugs, so it's better for me to just keep on walking and ignore that they even exist." The world sees them as everything undesirable, a burden to society and a reason for indifference.

But the truth is we all have our junk. We all have our mistakes and our bad habits, and we just need to praise God that our mistakes and our bad habits haven't landed us at a homeless shelter with absolutely nothing left -- no family, no friends, no house, no job, no hope. The one word that came up last week and is common to all of these men is "hopeless." Even the word "hope" seems laughable to many of them, and yet, it's the only hope they have left and they cling to it, cling to it. When asked how many had ever thought about killing themselves, five of the seven raised their hands. When asked how many had actually tried to kill themselves in the past, only one lowered their hand. When asked how many currently had thoughts of killing themselves, only one more dropped their hand. That left three men with their hands raised. That left three men who desperately need Jesus more than anything else in the entire world. All of them do, really, we all do; but for these three men, Jesus is vital.

I tell you this to remind you of something that God has been reminding me: we don't have time to be indifferent. People are living and people are dying without Jesus. If you think this life is about you-- about getting good grades or going to grad school or finding the best paying job or keeping up with the Jones' -- you are dangerously mistaken. If you think you'll just serve God later, when you can more fully focus on Him, let me just remind you that Satan isn't waiting around. He wants nothing better than for you to sit on the couch waiting for God "to make His will clear to you." People spend their lives on that couch, thinking that God has to reveal some epiphany to them before they can be effective for His Kingdom. They use this "waiting for God" as an excuse for inaction, when in reality, God is waiting for them!

In fact, God has already revealed His purpose for you, and for each and every one of us! Check out 2 Corinthians 5:18-19. "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself through Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." This is the ministry for all of us: to share with others that God wants to bring every single one of them close to Himself through Christ! He wants us to spread hope.

Within the Church, we have a "ministry" for everything -- the "children's ministry," the "adult ministry," the "homebound ministry," the "homeless ministry," the "disabilities ministry." I am not picking at these names, because the teams need names and those are as good names as any. I am, however, saying that all too often, we think we have to be a part of a labeled "ministry" or else we are ineffectively serving the Kingdom. But God says it's simpler than that! Every single moment of every single day is assigned to us for the ministry of reconciliation, of spreading God's love with every single person we meet. We can call it the "reconciliation ministry" if you would prefer, but whatever it's called, that is your purpose.

That was your purpose yesterday, that is your purpose today, and that will be your purpose for every new moment you receive from God. Please don't miss out on that.

My precious homeless guys depend on it.

Our Engagement Story!

My heart is so full of joy right now that it’s hard to even put everything I want to say into words! I feel like so much has changed since last night, but at the same time, I haven’t even begun to process the fact that I am engaged to my best friend! ENGAGED!  This is one moment I have been waiting for my entire life, but now that it’s here, it’s even more wonderful and more rich and more joyful than I could have ever imagined. Oh, and as I’m typing this, I’m also distracted every few seconds by the very sparkly thing on my left hand, so bear with us as we tell you our story.  :)

To make it easier for you to follow along, my side of the story is in this font, while Brian’s perspective has been italicized.

It started across the pond. Well, actually it started many months before, but just as small wisps of ideas, little more.  In a tiny, horrendously overpriced Gelato shop on a cobbled side-street in London (I just realized how fake that sounds, but it’s true), those inklings became concrete.  Zach Whelchel and I met to strategize the plan that was long overdue.  He would be studying at Oxford this semester, so he wouldn’t be able to help me execute the proposal, but he wanted to be a part of it. And so he helped shape the story.

Taking with me a detailed diagram of the proposal plan, as well as several packets of sugar from “Gelupo,” I returned to the States. I was to contact the realtor of the now-vacant Main and Maple Coffee Shop in Nicholasville where Callie and I had our first date.  After a frustrating number of failed attempts, the week was upon me. Deciding it was time for Plan B (which should have been Plan A in the first place), I changed locations to Solomon’s Porch, a small coffee shop in Wilmore that Callie and I frequent.  I picked up the spare key, and then things began to speed up.

I assembled “Alpha Team,” a group of hand-picked specialists including Sharayah Jung, Laura Smith, Erik Thein, John Michael Den Hartog, and Taylor Florian. The plan included Christmas lights, candles, a letter, special music, coffee, a large bowl, and a ring. Some of the members knew a basic overview of the plan, and others jumped in as they were all asked to meet at 2:30 on Friday, Callie’s 22nd birthday—D-Day. I picked up the ring, finally finished and paid for, and kept it at my house for the night for safe keeping.

September 21: Brian came over and woke me up on my birthday with a kiss on my forehead. Well, let’s be honest, I was only pretending to be asleep, which he quickly figured out by the fact that I giggled. I was way too excited to sleep! He had class, so he left about as quickly as he came, but I joined all the Asburians in the cafeteria for lunch. I didn’t really notice at the time, but lots of people shared with me later last night that they were afraid to talk to me all of lunch because almost everyone knew what was coming later that evening!

D-Day came, and the entire morning was a blur.  I had class until 2:00, and Erik and I went downtown to a small flower shop immediately after where I got Callie one of each of their rose varieties.  There was a formal at Asbury the same day, so Rosie (that’s actually her name) asked if the flowers were for Artist Series. I told her no, they were for something a little bigger, that I was getting engaged. At that, she lit up and went into bustling overdrive. She put together a small bouquet, then she took a breath and asked “Can I pray for you?” I love Wilmore. She prayed for Callie and I (even asking her name mid-prayer) and asked for our blessing, and that God would protect our evening, as well as our entire marriage. She held my hand as she prayed, and it was really a special moment. After saying amen, she sent me out to continue the set-up.

My afternoon was fairly typical. I cleaned my house, danced around my house, and took a shower. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The team carried out their responsibilities incredibly. When I say I couldn’t have done it without them, I really mean it. There’s no shot.  After harvesting the necessary pieces from my house and Dollar General, we began the setup of Solomon’s Porch. Moving tables and chairs, we formed an open side of the room to be used for a slow-dance, and a small area by the couch for other parts of the plan.  We stepped on lots of Christmas lightbulbs, I had to run home more than once to grab things I forgot, and we heaped stuff in the back kitchen, but in the end, it was beautiful.

I had been instructed by Brian not to leave my apartment after 2 p.m. until he picked me up for our special date around 5. He said he was planning a special surprise. Now, some may say I should have been suspicious at this plan, but you have to keep in mind, Brian often goes out of his way to coordinate really special surprises for me, and he knew I was very excited for my birthday this year. It’s not all that unusual for him to be so incredible. :)

Sharayah and Laura were both “ironically” free around 3:00 and asked to come see me for my birthday (no, I didn’t see this as surprising…both had REALLY good, REALLY different, and REALLY natural alibis for why they were coming over at the time that they did, and they walked over a few minutes apart from each other). I was super excited about them coming over, especially when I had been exiled to my apartment!  Both of them brought nail polish, and Laura did a really good job convincing me that I should paint my fingernails for my date, since she needed to paint hers anyway. Sharayah reported later that Laura had spent all day picking off her fingernail polish just to have an excuse for why we should paint our nails together (she had had the amazing foresight that my hands would be in many pictures over the next few days once I had my ring, so my fingernails had to look nice!). So two hours later, when Brian came to pick me up for my date, I had freshly painted red toenails and a beautiful french manicure by Laura herself. She even very patiently repainted my thumbs three times when I kept scuffing them on things. She said they had to be perfect, and I didn’t argue.  Or pick up on the fact that this was huge foreshadowing of the night to come.

Brian arrived right at 5, a bouquet of three different roses in hand. They were so beautiful and so thoughtful! I had not-so-subtly hinted that I wanted flowers for my birthday, so I assumed this was the extent of my presents, and I was quite content with that. Sharayah and Laura took a few pictures (squealing at just the right times), and then Brian and I were on our way to our pre-planned birthday date – dinner at Bella Notte and dessert at Orange Leaf.

After a brief photo-session with Sharayah and Laura, it was off to Bella Notte for dinner.  I was honestly not really concerned about the initial stages of the evening. I was having a difficult time concealing my excitement/nervousness for our return to Wilmore, and where we ate dinner wasn’t nearly as big a deal to me as to Callie, who thought this WAS her birthday present.  The food was amazing, as was Orange Leaf afterwards, and it was finally time to head back to Wilmore. As per pre-planned signaling, I texted Sharayah as we left so she knew how much time she and Laura had to put the finishing touches on the location.

Once we got back to Asbury, Brian told me he had planned for us to walk around Wilmore together.  We frequently go on walks – “walking and talking” we call it – but I began to think there was something different about this walk when Brian started glancing every few minutes at his watch.  We rounded the corner toward downtown, and he asked if I wanted coffee. This was an extremely weird question, because nothing is open in Wilmore at 8:00 p.m. except Dollar General, but I of course said yes. I love coffee, so whether or not I want it is never a question for me. We had barely gone a few more feet when Brian once more looked down at his watch and suddenly said, “Oh wait! I really want to get a picture of this!”

It was an awkward attempt at an excuse, but I had to make sure Laura and Sharayah were safely out of the way – and out of sight.

It was Subway. No one wants a picture of Subway. I knew something was up.

“Well, that didn’t turn out.  Oh well,” he said, as he deleted the picture and we continued walking down the street. Just a little ways down, he stopped in front of Solomon’s Porch, the tiny, wonderful, hometown coffee shop in Wilmore. Brian and I frequently spend our Saturday mornings drinking Honeybee Lattes in the brightly colored café, and it’s one of my all-time favorite places to go. Unfortunately, it closes at 2 p.m. every day except Tuesdays and Thursdays. And yesterday was Friday.

The shop normally closes at 2:00, but I knew the door to be unlocked, so I pushed in quickly to keep Callie from seeing the Christmas lights through the closed curtains.

“You said you wanted some coffee?” And at that, he pushed open the door to reveal the tiny shop I had grown to love outlined with white Christmas lights and adorned with ten or fifteen tea candles floating in Mason jars. In the center of the room was a table, on which sat our two coffee mugs that say “Good Morning Handsome” and “Good Morning Beautiful,” as well as a pot of warm coffee and these strange sugar packets.  (Turns out, these were the very same sugar packets he took from the gelato shop in London where he had planned out the proposal with our friend Zach!) He made me coffee with the strange sugar, and we sat down on the couch to talk.

The inside was more beautiful than I had imagined! I purposely didn’t script the evening from arrival on, so about the time we got to Orange Leaf, I started trying to order the events. I was finalizing those plans as we sat on the couch, so after some picture-taking by both of us of the decorations, I sat her down again and pulled out “I Love You.” It’s a piece I wrote nearly 3 years ago about the meaning of each of the three words, and what they mean together. I read it to Callie the night I first told her I loved her, and again the day I asked her to begin courting, so it was extra-special on this occasion.

While he was reading, there was a loud noise from the back that honest-to-goodness sounded like someone was coming in through the back door. Brian quickly covered with “Oh, that must be the ice machine.” I didn’t believe him.  (I found out later it really was the ice machine, but for now, just keep in mind that I thought people had not-so-sneakily snuck into the back kitchen.)

At one point as I was reading, a series of knockings came from the kitchen, and I had the sinking feeling that some of my friends had decided to hide out and watch. I assumed it was the ice-maker, so I excused it and read on. It took longer to read than I remembered, but after stumbling through it, I told Callie “If everything is according to plan, there should be something in the back.” I had actually forgotten to pass on specific instructions, but Sharayah and Laura once again saved my tail when they texted me at Orange Leaf and said they had a towel and a basin of warm water already set up.

He left and quickly came back with a green tub of water and a towel. Getting down on his knees, he took off my sandals and told me he wanted to wash my feet like Jesus did for his disciples. He said that he wanted this to be a sign to me that he would serve me the rest of his life, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life serving me and serving God together. That’s when the tears started flowing for me. It was seriously one of the most incredible moments of my life, and I was literally speechless. I couldn’t talk anymore.

She gave me a huge hug after her feet were dried, and I asked if she would dance with me.  I turned on my iPod dock, which had a playlist for just this event starting with “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson. If you haven’t heard it, get it. Don’t even bother sampling it first, just buy it. Callie and I “slow-danced” (which, to us, means swaying awkwardly) through the song, and as it ended and the song we have decided on for our wedding began playing, I asked Callie to turn around and close her eyes.

He asked if we could dance, so we tried, but I was already tearing up again and I couldn’t do much except hug him.  He told me he wanted to give me my last surprise for the night, so I had to close my eyes and turn around.  As I said before, I thought our friends had come in through the back door and were about to jump out and surprise me for my birthday, but when I turned back around and opened my eyes, Brian was there on one knee, holding the opened ring box towards me. I’m pretty sure he asked me if I would marry him, because I remember nodding and finally squeaking out a “yes, forever,” but I started crying so hard I don’t actually remember much from that moment.

I’m pretty sure I asked if she would marry me, and I’m pretty sure she said yes, but I can’t be completely positive.  For the first time in years, I felt completely alive, I was truly experiencing deeply, and I was trying to soak it all in.

He stood up and hugged me, and then he started sobbing himself.  Brian has been experiencing what he calls a “spiritual dryness” these past several months, and, as a result, I have only seen him truly cry one other time. It was an incredibly touching moment for me, so I simply held him to me for a minute or two, and we both just stood in the middle of the room by the cash register crying.

So there we were, holding each other and sobbing, surrounded by Christmas lights, and floating candles, and the smell of coffee, and the sound of piano. And we were engaged.

He then pulled back so he could put the ring on my finger, and it was the most gorgeous ring I’ve ever seen! It caught the soft light from all the candles, and it was hard to take in such a beautiful moment! I remember saying, “We’re getting married! I’m getting married to you!”

As the overwhelmed feeling subsided, the excitement rushed in, especially to Callie, who has always been the more expressive half.  She bounced around the room, trying to get the candle light to catch her new “sparkly thing” perfectly. I’ve never seen anyone so excited about anything in all of my days. 

We called my parents, and then we told his parents and all the friends that had helped set up the proposal (and who were waiting just on campus) to come celebrate in the coffee shop with us! Everyone was so excited, and it was just such a blessed time!

Everyone arrived, and it was a really special time of sharing and just trying to take it in together.  To me, this was one of the most significant moments of the evening, sharing this part of our lives with people we have grown so close to.  Their presence showed their support, and their excitement showed their love.

The Troyers welcomed me into the family, and all of our friends told me the part they had played in the whole plan. It was so much fun! Then Brian and I said our good-byes and went to call those who didn’t live close by and who hadn’t yet heard the good news!  The rest of the night went by in a blur. I went to Thacker B, where Janah, Jane, Cassie, Sharayah, and Laura talked and giggled with me until 3 in the morning. I ended up waking up at 8 this morning, unable to go back to sleep because I realized that last night hadn’t just been some wonderfully lovely dream!

And so the evening ended, as we took down lights, blew out candles, and put back tables and chairs. Honestly, it was perfect. I wouldn’t have changed anything. Getting to share the experience of the set-up with some of my closest friends, going on a very special birthday date, and following it up with a proposal experience that couldn’t have gone better, combined for what was definitely my favorite night of my life.  May there be many more to come. 

We seriously could not have had such a wonderful engagement without our friends and family who helped coordinate the whole perfect night! Therefore, our story would not be complete without a few thank-you’s:

Thank you to Zach Whelchel for helping Brian plan out THE PERFECT engagment.

Thank you to Laura and Sharayah for providing company during my exile, for insisting that I paint my nails, for helping to set up Solomon’s Porch, for preparing the coffee and candles right before we got there, for hiding out across the street, and for having a sleep-over with me when I couldn’t sleep last night!

Thank you to John Michael, Erik, and Taylor for hanging the lights and getting Solomon’s Porch looking perfect. Also thanks to Erik for documenting this special time and for John Michael’s contribution of REAL (non-Folger’s) coffee.

Thank you to the Troyers for all of the supplies Brian took from your house, and for being there with us as we celebrated afterward.

Thank you to Cassie, Janah, Jane, Andy C, Josh, Andy B, Coop, Nathan, and Will for showing up and celebrating with us at Solomon’s Porch (as we held up traffic in the middle of the street).

Thank you to Tim and Erin, who graciously and trustingly opened up Solomon’s Porch just for us.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have supported us and encouraged us over the past several hours!

And thank you to the amazing, incredible God who brought Brian and me together and who gave us a beautiful night last night (against the weatherman’s predictions) to celebrate the future He has for us!

I love you guys, we love you guys.

Rules to Love By

I returned to Synergy tonight after months of missing out because of night classes or summer break. I hadn't realized how much I missed it, but the community and the worship and the stirring in my heart was so incredible! God knew it was just what I needed, because I really needed to hear what was said tonight: our entire life, our entire faith, is about loving God as much as we possibly can, and then upholding His commandments will follow. I have been going through such a spiritually dry period over the past several months, and all of the rules and attitudes I have been trying so hard to uphold on my own have merely been adding to the drought. The message tonight was such a simple concept, nothing new to me, but God just lit up what it actually means.

After a year and a half of dating, I've learned a lot about what it means to love someone deeply -- mostly because I've learned that loving someone deeply means you find out you really aren't as selfless or optimistic or patient as you once thought you were. But perhaps the most revolutionary and humbling thing I've discovered about loving someone is that love doesn't always come intuitively. Brian knows me better than anyone else in this world, and I like to think I've started to know how he works as well. But sometimes, as deeply as we know each other, we still literally have to say, "I need you to love me by..." or "Loving me looks like this..." or, harder still, "It hurts me when..." Even though I've picked up on his quirks and uncovered some of his deepest longings and desires, I still don't know him well enough to always know what he needs. And the moment I think I do, I discover I've only really scratched the surface of the depth with which God wants me to love him.

Tonight I realized that the same is true of my relationship with God. I learned a long time ago that our Christian walk is about a relationship, not just following a list of rules, but for so long, I've tried to hold on to both. I have tried to build a living, breathing relationship AND live up to God's perfect standards on my own merit. It hasn't worked -- I've been burnt out, dried up, and feeling like a huge disappointment to Him. You see, arbitrarily "trying" not to gossip or "trying" to do my work without complaining or "trying" to be selfless aren't intuitive. They completely go against our human nature.

But it is because loving Him isn't intuitive, God says to me, "This is how I need you to love me." Isn't that really what the "rules" and "attitudes" we try to uphold are about in the first place? They are simply God explaining to us how best to love Him! He doesn't just say "don't gossip" or "don't complain" or "don't be short-tempered" just because He can (though that would be reason enough). He says, "Callie, you can love me by not talking about that person who wronged you. You can love me by not complaining when all the work seems to fall on you. You can love me by patiently letting me do things in my own time." God isn't asking us to change our own spirit; only He can do that. God is asking us to know Him -- and learn how to love Him, just as we take the time to learn how to love others.

(As a quick side note: After tonight, I realized I would once again like to get more involved with CSF. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or guidance for which small group or service team to join, or perhaps just how to help out with CSF, please pass it on to me!)

I'm Dating the One in the Onesie

After being mistaken for an Olympic athlete twice, Brian was part of the Opening Ceremony last night [much to my overwhelming delight]!  That's right, if you look [VERY] closely in the picture below, you'll see his handsome face in the very far left of the screen. Well, half of his face anyway. But considering I missed most of the theatrical portion of the ceremony because I was too distracted with looking for him, I'd say it's perfect.

Which makes him pretty much famous [at least to me :)]. I have seriously never been so excited or more proud of him! And considering he is one of the biggest blessings to me ever, that's saying something.

http://www.greenwichtime.com/news/article/With-royalty-and-rock-Britain-opens-its-Olympics-3740793.php#photo-3247887

Hence, the blog post about nothing more than how proud I am of my official trap-door-opener of the London Olympics. I love you, best friend.